Keeping Love in the Air
Published
February 12, 2025
Share :
Keeping Love in the Air
With Valentine’s Day here, it’s a good time to take a closer look at what makes a happy couple or what “love” actually looks like – particularly since the divorce rate is high in America and a third of married couples say they’re unhappy.
Couples who report being happy in a long-term relationship have these four things in common:
Healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. Poor communication and conflict resolution is cited as one of the main reasons for breakups and divorce. Learning how to communicate openly and resolve disagreements is a valuable tool and can save a relationship.
One of the key factors in healthy communication is avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, which world-renowned couples’ specialists have coined the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These communication tendencies lead to a breakdown in mutual understanding, inability to empathize with one another and, ultimately, a loss of mutual trust. Psychological and emotional intimacy, which are the building blocks of a healthy relationship, break down and the relationship begins to deteriorate. Without an ability to empathize with the perceived reality of another person, it is virtually impossible to reach a mutual understanding, which is necessary to resolve conflicts and differences in viewpoints.
And another lesser-known factor, without which healthy communication is made extremely difficult, is our ability to stay regulated and calm while attempting to communicate our difficult feelings. The challenge is when we get angry or frustrated, our body releases hormones that tend to trigger a “fight-or-flight” response, thus making it difficult to remain rational and empathetic during a discussion.
To listen better, we must remain in a relaxed physical state and, follow these five steps:
Intimacy, affection and support of personal growth. Healthy couples know how to build emotional and psychological intimacy by celebrating each other’s successes and sharing in each other’s losses and challenges. They are true “teammates,” where mistakes are quickly forgiven. Knowing that your partner can be trusted will not betray your expectations or violate your boundaries is a key factor in intimacy-building. Creating a safe space for mutual honesty – even when it can lead to disagreements – is pivotal to allow the couple to remain close with gestures that will communicate “I notice you, you matter to me.”
Shared responsibilities and teamwork. Happy couples feel they both contribute equally. This includes meeting each other’s psychological, emotional and physical needs as well as contributing equally in the household and child-rearing. While men are contributing more than they did a decade ago, women continue to spend approximately twice as much time caring for children and taking care of the household responsibilities, as well as carrying most of the family’s emotional and mental labor.
Shared vision and values. Happy relationships are much more fulfilling if couples share core values and a vision for their lives. For example, if one person deeply values adventure and experiences and both have a long bucket list they are hoping to cross off in the next 20 years, while the other person values family time, routine and quiet evenings by the fire, it might be more challenging to reconcile differences. If one partner values a deep connection and intimacy, while the other partner feels uncomfortable with that level of closeness and prefers to have a private inner world, it might pose an unsolvable problem. While some compromises can be achieved, it is best to have deep conversations before getting into a committed relationship about one’s values, beliefs and a vision for the future.
Poor communication and conflict resolution is cited as one of the main reasons for breakups and divorce. Learning how to communicate openly and resolve disagreements is a valuable tool and can save a relationship.