If you are a parent of one or more children, the recent changes brought about by the (“coronavirus”) Covid-19 pandemic have likely presented unique challenges for you.  You are likely being asked to parent, teach (sometimes different grades!), and work all at the same time. If you feel that you are not doing any of these jobs well right now, it is because these are three separate jobs and doing them simultaneously is extremely hard. It is simply too much.

As a working psychologist, mom of 3 little boys, I have read about, taught, and gained hands-on experience with, quite a lot of parenting techniques, tricks, and tips. Here are the 6 things that I have found to be most useful to thriving as a parent in these challenging times.

1. Relax expectations.

If you are reading this post, it is likely that you care for your children greatly and are always striving to be a better parent. You probably have high expectations for yourself, as well as for your kids; high expectations for their behavior, their manners, their communication skills, their academic performance, their hygiene, and so on. Under normal circumstances, they can meet these expectations, at least most of the time. However, these are anything but regular times complete with typical routines. As you’ve probably experienced yourself, kids are highly influenced by changes in routines and so it is only normal to expect them to listen less, act out more, and have a tough time adapting to the myriad of restrictions that have recently been imposed onto the world. Lowering our expectations, just for the time being, will not result in delinquents and high school dropouts roaming the streets 5-15 years later. This is temporary. Relax your expectations and choose to prioritize the quality of your relationships with your kids over a correctly done math assignment. Choose kindness and understanding over strict enforcement of consequences. Just for now. At the end of the day, you’ll be glad you did.

2. Remember to be a child!

Recently, I was watching a family movie with my three boys (it has become a daily tradition in these times!). On this particular day, we had settled on the Peter Pan sequel, “Hook.” I had never seen it from start to finish, and watching it now, during this time of quarantine, couldn’t have been more perfect! The main character, Peter, who had now aged and had two young kids of his own, had become a lawyer and had forgotten all about his past – having been Peter Pan, Neverland, and what it was like to fly and be a kid. The story then called grown Peter back to Neverland, where he had to remember how to be a kid again in order to defeat Captain Hook. I was halfway mortified, but also intrigued, watching the adult Peter having a food fight with the Lost Boys, using insults and potty words, painting his body head to toe, climbing, fighting, and remembering how to use his imagination to its full potential! It hit me at that point how vivid our kids’ imaginations really are and how much of it we have forgotten as adults. Developmental psychologists have long since acknowledged the power of play for kids of all ages; this is how kids learn about the laws of nature, how to communicate, problem solve, exercise, and, most importantly, bond with one another and with us. Playing with our kids allows us to bolster our connection with them, which in turn will make boundary setting and discipline much easier – roughhousing, hide and seek, “Momma Monster” (where I pretend to be a monster while chasing the kids around the house), just to name a few. Games that use imagination are best. I recommend spending at least 30 minutes once or twice a day actively engaging in play with your kids during this time. Doing so will “fill their tank,” so to speak, and will allow you to disengage more successfully when you need to get back to work or simply need some time to yourself. Enjoy your kids when you are with them and be present, fill their tanks with undivided attention so you can focus on your job or your book or your meditation guilt-free!

3. Use this time as an opportunity to bond.

Reframing situations is uniquely a human ability – let’s use it! If we are to be stuck with our little (or not so little) people at home 24/7 for weeks on end, let’s try to see it as an opportunity to grow our relationships, get to know our little humans, and strengthen the parental bond. Other than imaginative play (discussed above), this can be done during any shared activities, such as gardening, mindful walking (purposefully pointing out details, such as the birds singing, finding shapes in the clouds, discussing the colors of flowers, and so on), cooking or baking together, and organizing closets. Even doing chores, such as laundry folding, when done together, can offer an opportunity to bond and allow children to experience a sense of community and the power of helping the family.

You can also use this time as an opportunity to get to know your child a little better by exploring their tastes, preferences, and perspectives in a fun way. You can do a dance-off to their favorite songs, teach them how to cook their favorite meal, and, my favorite (suitable for kids around ages 6 and older), play the game of “The Interview.” In The Interview, you pretend to be a reporter or a host of a famous show and your child pretends to be a guest on the show who is an expert on life or otherwise a famous person. You can take a video of them being interviewed by you (or simply put an imagined microphone to their mouth), answering questions that can range from silly to deep, adjusted for their age, and can include questions like “what is your favorite color?”, “what’s the meaning of life?”, “what advice would you give to other parents who have kids your age?”, “what’s your favorite thing about being homeschooled?”, “what has been your favorite family vacation?”. You can improvise and have so much fun! My kids absolutely love this game!

4. Use this as an opportunity to practice and teach your child good mental health practices.

For both children and adults alike, these are challenging times. Whether it is stress, anxiety, changes in routine, or boredom, your kids will likely experience at least one of these emotions (and probably all of them!) in the upcoming weeks. Teaching our kids the power of reframing (to see that there is more than one way to view a situation and that we have a choice over which one we choose), the importance of communicating your emotions (naming a feeling and stating it in an “I statement”; for example “I feel really bored when you are busy working, I wish we could play”) and empowering them to problem-solve challenges. Ending the day with asking each child to share their favorite thing that happened that day or three things that they were grateful for that day helps to create an outlook that is positive and focused on gratitude. This is also a great opportunity to teach our kids meditation, mindfulness, yoga, and progressive muscle relaxation – all wonderful, evidence-based skills for stress-reduction. There are terrific apps out there such as “Calm,” “Headspace,” “Smiling Mind,” “Three Good Things: A Happiness Journal,” and “Insight Timer” that teach these and other healthy coping skills to kids (and adults).

5. Choose connection over correction.

When we are stressed and trying to parent, teach, and in many cases also work, our days may be long and our patience may be short. It can be particularly hard to keep our cool and to parent effectively under such circumstances.  I like to use the following sequence to help me be at my best:

Calm– First, be sure you are as calm as possible. To get there, try taking 3 deep breaths and repeat, “this is not an emergency” (unless it is, of course, an emergency, such as your child running in the middle of the street, in which case address the situation immediately!). Remember that very few things are true emergencies, even if we feel like they are at the time.

Validate and empathize – Validate your child’s emotional reaction. This will help them to trust their emotional reaction and intuition later down the road and will also help them believe that their feelings are valid: “You are bored because I was working for the past hour. I know, honey. I’m sorry mommy is having to work now. I understand it can be tough to wait” or “You’re mad because I won’t let you jump on the couch. I understand. You were having a great time jumping! It must be hard to stop.”

Enforce a boundary and problem-solve or redirect- “Mommy/Daddy is still not done though. I’ll be off the phone in 20 minutes. See if you can finish that Lego set and I cant wait to help you build it once I’m off the phone” or “The couch is not for jumping though, lets go jump outside and see who can jump the highest!”

6.  Remember to self-care! 

Last but not least, remember to take care of yourself! Recall the familiar instructions we hear on airplanes about securing your own mask first before helping your child. Find time to work out or do yoga, even if it means you do it together with your kids, escape into the bathroom for a break, take a few minutes to do a deep breathing exercise, play YOUR favorite song – all are seemingly small but powerful ways to bolster your resilience to stress during these challenging times. And don’t sweat the use of screens during these weeks. While we don’t want to create a negative ongoing habit, it’s ok to relax your standards and pop in a movie during the day to get in a meeting or simply just relax for a few minutes.